Rich with fertility as a loss mama
Wow – looking back at all of my last blogs I’ve written, I realize how long it’s been! My book took up a LOT of my writing time. However, I can’t even describe the sense of accomplishment I feel after finishing it. My first book is and always will be, the greatest achievement of my career. But now that it is done – I am back! Blogging and sharing ideas and information on a variety of topics as well as doing some podcast episodes too. So here we go…(warning: this is a long one!)
Many of you may have already noticed (or maybe you haven’t) that I own a company in Connecticut called Healthy Mom Happy Baby with my mom, Donna Cassity. We started the company back in 2011 and have slowly grown to where we are now! Let me give you a little back story. When I was in college, my husband Jason and I were happy to welcome our firstborn daughter, Lillian, born in 2006, during my junior year in college. You will read ALL about that experience and her birth in my memoir, Just Be, so I will spare you all of the details. Prior to having her, despite doing a double major in Mass Communications and Psychology; I had ZERO ideas about what I would do with any of my studies. However, one thing was clear: I was instantly drawn to prenatal and postnatal psychology and everything about women, babies and family life.
And it came to me the day Lillian was born, as I held her close to my body that first day of her life – because everything with my life purpose suddenly made sense as I fell in love with her. I glanced at my husband, Jason, smiling and knew motherhood (and everything in-between) was my path. All of the images, dreams and interests I had before I was pregnant blossomed into greater awareness after she arrived. Motherhood spoke to me both personally and professionally and weaving the two together meant going down a different path. Thus, began the earliest stages of Healthy Mom Happy Baby. Even more – I knew I needed to figure out how to be home with her and still fulfill my passion in a career, which has been developing over many years since that time. College studies, certifications and experiences laid the foundation, but discovering how to contribute to the world took a lot more blood, sweat and tears. Owning a business as a “mompreneur” has many ups and downs and I wanted to give up so many times along the way! Even though I sailed into motherhood rather quickly, I had a lot to learn, yet I have loved every minute of it and every challenge. Through each challenge of motherhood, Healthy Mom Happy Baby grew more and more and the company continued on. So where am I now with it all?
Most of you know about my stillborn son Joseph by now, as his pure spirit and short life on earth was the inspiration to finally write my story and birth Just Be. It also helped me to specialize in working with mothers who are going through trauma, loss and suffering for a variety of reasons. However, it has ultimately led me to help women with one major area: fertility. Maybe you are wondering why? What has led me to this particular path? Well, bear with me as I throw my hair into a “mom bun” and roll up my sleeves to tell you. Warning: I am going to get rather personal!
Yesterday, tears rolled down my face, as I stared at my doctor, while feeling the pain of losing yet another baby. Another miscarriage. Another test in my motherhood journey that no mother should ever have to go through. Jason and I began trying for our fourth (third earth baby) a couple months ago, but what some of you don’t know: it isn’t easy for us. As we listened to the doctor explain to us new things that have been discovered and what the next steps are, my mind drifted off. I looked down at my feet trying to find my composure as I listened. My feet are my go to when I feel anxiety brewing and, so I began to ground myself – feeling my feet against the hard, sturdy floor and the strong chair that was holding me up. It was there that I met with my inner self – feeling all the disappointment and sadness wash down my cheeks with tears. I needed to make a choice…as my doctor rambled on about hormone balancing and using medical terms that were hard to grasp.
So, in that moment, while staring at my feet, I made a choice and heard these words repeat in my head: Choose peace. The same words I coach others to do 1,000 times over.
I closed my eyes and felt this peace inside, reminding me it is always there – even when I forget and even when I don’t feel it; I know peace is what is needed during hard times. And yesterday, was no different. While reaching deep within my heart, I brought the truth of peace into my awareness to steady me once again. Giving myself the gift to just be – my signature phrase – and surrendered not just to what I couldn’t control in that moment, but more importantly to what I could choose… love’s presence. I felt my heart slowing down from a fast rhythm as the doctor continued on. Within this peace and love– I reminded myself that I am not what I am experiencing. I am whole and alive. Through all of the pregnancy losses that Jason and I have endured – I am greater than all of it. I am not broken, I am whole…I have always been whole, but I didn’t recognize that years ago, in my past fear and sorrow. I do now. And I will again.
This is why I love to work with mothers and helping them prepare for conception finding wholeness which means both inner and outer health within their own fertility. During the writing of my book, I realized that being fertile and preparing for motherhood is a lot more than just getting pregnant. It is a state of mind. It is consciously making a choice to evolve and become aware of who you really are. This has influenced and empowered me, and it will empower you too; to find a healthy, fulfilling and balanced life as a mother to be.
But what about the pain we feel? This is when you ask yourselves: What do I need? For me, in that moment with my doctor, after I made a choice to be at peace, I knew I just needed to cry some more. So, I continued to let the tears go and reminded myself I was loved, over and over as each tear fell. This is fertility – not my loss – a strong and beautifully fertile woman, rich with so much power inside of me.
And it dawned on me as I waited for my tears to slow. The old saying: When the world throws you lemons…make lemonade….and lots of it! Well, who doesn’t love lemonade right? In other words – worry can be transformed. When the world seems dark, knowing that love is still within and shining a light, even in the midst of heartbreak – is that juicy lemonade. Stepping into gratitude and counting the blessings along with our disappointments each day is the “sweet and sour” in the mixture.
So today, a brand-new day, within the disappointment: I am grateful for this wonderful doctor, who will dig through the hormonal blood work and help me find more answers. I am grateful for my husband who supports me in every possible way. I am grateful for this body that is home for my spirit and soul….where I am whole and fertile already. And for new opportunities in my studies and work that will help others discover the richness of a fertile life filled with love and grace.
“A love that is unstoppable once you peacefully surrender yourself into its waiting arms. Love for yourself and all that you ALREADY are and always will be.” – Lindsay Marie
When I finally looked up at my doctor, a warm sensation ran down my back and I smiled. I smiled through the tears still streaming down my face, and let love radiate outward. He smiled back at me and said, “Lindsay, I am so impressed with how much you have transformed these past few years – even though you still struggle with conceiving and pregnancy. How do you do it?”
My smile grew wider. That was easy. “Because Dr. S – no one can take away who I am inside. I love the woman who is in front of you today.” His eyebrows shot up in surprise. I think we both “drank down the lemonade” with my response!
If you or someone you love has lost a baby or struggles with infertility –there is hope. But don’t get me wrong either – staying centered in order to achieve your motherhood dreams, is a real struggle and the pain is deep. Finding the wholeness within is not for the faint at heart. For me, it still hurts like HELL to go through this process. There are still sobs, long hugs with my husband and all kinds of worry that I deal with every day. But that’s all part of the fertile life too, as I continue to trust and fall into the arms of love. Embracing all of who we are, as we bravely seek that one moment of conception, that will lead to holding our baby, is what makes us whole and fertile.
Frederick Buechner once wrote: “The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” He is so right and that is where I am now now. Listening within my stillness, it’s more clear than ever, that where I am being called to now in my career, is helping women find a whole and fertile life in body, mind and spirit.
I am committed to helping them in their quest for motherhood even in struggle and heartache – helping them to conceive, connect and create new life with joy and balance. Helping them fill the holes within their hearts with more awareness of who they really are so that they may experience more love and peace. More here on how I can help you!
And finally, in doing so, “birth” themselves. Fertility is meant for a lifetime. May yours be rich, beautiful and filled with every blessing.