They spread their wings and soar like eagles… Isaiah 40:31
Earlier today, I broke down while live on my Instagram. I managed to get through a quick video on my Facebook page and meant it to be the same on Instagram however the tears just spilled out. And I am so happy they did.
As many of you all know by now, I have plastered my interview from yesterday on BlogTalk Radio, all over my social media. It will be on my website soon, however the link is here for those of you who want to listen. I wanted to take a moment and share some more from my heart. I tried to on Instagram, but the love from my followers and the emotions from the love I feel inside, just spiraled and I had to thank everyone and say goodbye. So, here we go again!
I am about to be extremely raw and vulnerable with this blog. I just want keep you all up to date on my journey…
Nearly twelve years ago, (wow – has it been that long?) I met my husband Jason and we connected and fell in love as if we had known each other for years already. He was the first man I have ever loved and he is the last. He is truly my soulmate. The night I told him about the rape from my teenage years, he was silent as his eyes watered up.
Finally he spoke.
And he asked me “Do you love yourself?” Do I what?
I dismissed his question and leaned on him that night and just sat there in silence, pondering his question and not understanding what he meant. As my mind circled around and around, unexpected anxiety and even anger started to boil. He hit a trigger button deep within me and I didn’t recognize it.
And last night, as we laid in bed, he asked me again for the second time in twelve years. This time, I answered.
As my answer came out, tears poured out of me and the relief that I felt being able to TRULY answer this question was almost shocking to me. As little as ten months ago, I still would have not been able to answer it.
Last March, Jason and I embarked on another layer of my pain together. The layer that was finally ready to unfold was the story of my rape. In the past three years, it may have appeared that I have already faced this trauma.
Not at all.
My husband and I have grown together spiritually so much in the past twelve years and we continue to do so. My love for him grows deeper and now, my love for MYSELF is catching up with it. I have been writing since the age of seven-years-old and I share a lot in my blogs and posts. I have spoken in front of audiences and groups and coached many people, but speaking the story of that fateful night from the summer of 2000 was a completely new level of growth and progress for my soul.
Before the interview started, I began to shake uncontrollably, not from fear of speaking in public on a timed radio show, but from doubt. The doubt that I was good enough to do this began to creep into my consciousness as I shook with fear. I was about to tell a part of my past that I have never verbally told anyone except my mom, therapists and husband.
Over the past ten months, my husband and I have met some AMAZING healers and practitioners that have all played a part in healing this layer of my life story. This BIG layer that was stuck in my body. I have had some incredible healing work done on my body, mind and soul and it has taken me ten months to process what had happened and to transcend from victim to victor. The lessons I have learned along the way have been life saving.. As I continued to write my book, I knew the time was approaching that I would be going out into the world to begin to market my story told in the book. However, I failed to make that connection in my mind…until yesterday.
As I sat in my chair, shaking from head to toe and in a near panic, I felt what seemed to be heavy hands on my shoulders. And I knew it was my son. I felt his magnificent and ever so soothing energy wrapped all around me and encouraging me to move forward. I felt that he was holding me through the entire interview and I knew he was transferring God’s love to me. It was as if he was reminding me that NOTHING will stop me now because I am safe in God’s hands who truly holds me now.
His strength reminded me that I had already surrendered my attacker’s energy to God and now I am set on a path of spreading the joy that I rediscovered underneath the pain. I learned that by speaking my truth yesterday, it was a final step that I needed to take to heal.
Right in the middle of the interview, after I shared the rape story, I felt free, as if I was light and floating. Whatever fear energy was still gripping me, left and my heart was finally free. The strength I feel internally is a strength I have never felt before and the goals I see before me in my professional path are now clear. This is what telling the truth can do, not just the truth of what happened, but the truth of God’s healing love when we are ready to receive.
As I closed my eyes and fell asleep, I smiled and in my dreams, I heard my sweet angel boy, his powerful voice behind me as I walked down a bright, open path filled with roses…
I am so proud of you Mom…
I am proud of me too. I am ready to move forward on this path that the Universe is opening for me with renewed energy, a sense of REAL achievement, strength and PURE JOY!
With Love and Peace,